Married to the law

This weekend we met the new girlfriend of one of my husband's cop friends. Well, he probably doesn't consider her his new girlfriend - they've been dating for several months - but it was the first time I'd met her.

Overall I liked her. She was friendly, pretty and they seemed compatible.

We had supper together on Friday night and Ryan was on duty at 6 a.m. the next morning. I asked her if she was planning to ride along with him on Saturday.

"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes.

That's when I got a little irritated. Here's why:

1. Not every wife/girlfriend has the opportunity to do ride alongs. It's a privilege I value very much.

2. If you're planning to date a cop, you need to get used to the fact that you'll have to take time with him when and where you can get it. He's going to have to work some weekends, not to mention nights and holidays, so get used to it.

I'm not saying every wife/girlfriend should always ride along, if that's even an opportunity. That's an individual decision.

What I am saying is, don't spit on something I enjoy by acting like a ride along is a burden. If you don't want to ride along, don't. If you do ride along, just do it and keep your whining to yourself.

Maybe that's a little bit of an overreaction for a simple eye roll, but it's how I feel. Our friend deserves a girl that's going to handle his profession well. In my opinion, the eye roll wasn't a positive sign.

I've been feeling so ... blah lately.

I was recently given an award by Erin of Fierce Beagle and MRS. OFFICER. It's something that has been going around the blogosphere lately - the honest scrap award.

I'm honored and also reminded of a story of my mother in middle school. In home ec class they were required to make scrap books. Her's had fabric letters on the front, spelling out "home ec scrap book". But a letter fell off, giving her 30 seconds of fame with the more popular girls because she had a "home ec crap book".

Thank you, girls, for calling me on all the honest crap, er, scrap, that I write here at Married2thelawland.

10 honest things about me. Hmmm.

1. I am NOT a vegetarian but I prefer my pizza with no meat. I’m getting tired of it when I call my favorite small town café and order a pizza with no meat. I’ve done it many, many times in the 2 years I have worked here and every, single time they say, “NO MEAT?!?” Like I just ordered fish with the head still on it. Come on, get used to it already. Expand your horizons!!

2. When I was a little girl, my sister and I were chopping in a puddle with a broken hoe. She said, my turn and I said, no, one more CHOP! And I chopped right into her toe. I’ll never get over the guilt.

3. I love my brother, even kind of look up to him in a weird he’s my little bro sort of way, but I rarely see him or speak to him on the phone. Maybe a few times a year, tops? Sad.

4. I’m a Seventh-day Adventist.

5. It bugs me when people don’t comment on my facebook status updates. I’m forever trying to figure out what type of updates elicit comments or what time of day is best to update … like it’s a competition or something.

6. I’m a horrible housekeeper.

7. Wearing funky socks makes me happy. I rarely match them to my outfit.

8. I have phone cord retardation. Any phone I touch with a long curly cord instantly becomes irrevocably tangled. It’s so bad, I sometimes pick up the phone receiver and the phone base comes up to my ear with it.

9. I attend meetings for my job. When people are stupid, or take forever when they should shut up, I write mean things on my notepad. But I only write the first letter of the word and each letter on top of each other so it turns into an angry black dot.

10. The best compliment I ever got was from a gay male friend, who told me I was a “temptress of the devil”. I was wearing my sister’s red sweatpants with a school logo but I still took it as a compliment and never forgot it.

In my post a few days ago, I introduced you to a woman I called Denise. She emailed me with a question. To read that post, click here.

I also said that I held back certain parts of her question to me and my answer to her. There was one line in her email that I felt was important enough to deserve it's own post. (That and the fact that my post was getting too long.)

Here's what Denise said:

"I think it takes a special type of woman to be with a police officer, and I don’t feel like I am that type of woman."

Here's what I said to her, plus some additional comments.

Cop's Wife:

I disagree. If you love someone you do what it takes to love him and be with him, no matter what. Truck driver's wives (like my mom) have to go days or weeks with their husbands on the road. Army wives sometimes have to live alone for a year while their husbands are deployed to Iraq. Those are hardships too but they do what they have to do.

It's the same with a police officers wife. Thinking of any of my friends, even the ones that might not be well suited to this lifestyle, I know that if they loved a police officer, they could make the adjustment to do it.

To be a police officer's wife, a woman has to be able to make sacrifices. If she is afraid to be home alone at night, she needs to learn how not to be afraid. If she is a worrywart, she needs to learn how to keep that worry from choking her. If she never wants to go anywhere alone, like a family event, or a party, she'll have to learn to adjust. If she insists on celebrating all holidays on the day with her loved one present, she'll need to be more flexible.

Anyone can do those things, it just takes flexibility and the ability to change and sacrifice. If you love this man, and want to be married to him, you can do it too.

If you make the choice to love and support a man that you love, anyone can do it, even if his job as a cop can make things difficult. It's about a choice, just like marriage is a choice. I strongly believe that if you make the choice to love someone, every day, and commit to them, every day, you can make a marriage work. Of course, it takes two to make that choice.

I understand what Denise is trying to say, of course. To be with a police officer, a woman does have to be willing to make sacrifices. I've made sacrifices so that my husband can be a police officer. I know that many of you fellow LE wife bloggers out there have made sacrifices as well. I'd be surprised if I could find one wife or girlfriend of a police officer that doesn't feel she has had to make sacrifices for her law enforcement loved one.

So, yes, in that way I guess we are special. We're a special breed of women, standing beside our men in uniform.

What I disagree with is the part that Denise doesn't have it in her to be that woman. Clearly, I don't know her but I do believe that she can do it. I believe that any women who loves a man can do it if she makes the choice.

What do you guys think? Am I right or am I wrong?

A few days ago, I received an email from someone I will call Denise. Here's what she had to say, with identifying details changed to protect her privacy.

I am looking for help and support on the internet and I hope I am not bothering
you, but I am so afraid and worried for my fiance to be a police officer
that I kind of think I do not want to marry into this. His father, along with
another officer, were killed 3 months ago in the line of duty. ... I really need
someone to talk to who understands how I feel. My fiance just graduated from law
enforcement training and it was a sad, yet happy day. All my fiance wanted was
for his dad to be there. I tried to tell him he was there in spirit, but that is
so hard to say and not cry at the same time. His dad was killed just 2 weeks
after my fiance started training. I have tried praying, talking, being alone,
pushing it in the back of my mind and hope it goes away, but it is always there.
... My fiance needs someone supporting him and after having gone though
something like this, I just don't know how to support him when all I do is worry
when he is at work. If you can help me I would really appreciate it.

Cop's Wife:

I'm very glad and honored that you decided to contact me about this. I just hope what I say will be helpful!

My first thought is that is is COMPLETELY normal that you are freaking out right now. Basically, not only did you lose your future father-in-law but you were confronted with the reality of the very real dangers of the job, just at a time when your fiance is training to BE a police officer.

A year ago, a friend of ours was hit by a drunk driver and injured while on duty. That was hard for me to deal with, thinking that it could have happened to my husband, and that wasn't even a death! I can imagine that you are scared - I know I would be.

If you are having doubts about this marriage, now is the time to resolve them - before you are married. If it is about more than just fear about his job, if you have more reasons to hesitate to marry him, you need to get to the bottom of that.

On the other hand, if you love this man, and want to be married to him, I have no doubt you will find ways make it work.

Either way, I strongly suggest you get some counseling. I have been to counseling and it is so helpful to have someone to help you work through things. Having just lost his father, your fiance could probably use some counseling too. Maybe you guys could have some pre-marriage counseling. Either way, however, I really think you need to get some help for yourself. This is a big decision you are making and you need to go into it with your eyes wide open. A counselor can help you with that.

Denise wrote back:

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply back to me. I
appreciate all of your in-sight and advice on what I should be doing right
now. Yes, I love him with all of my heart and I want to spend the
rest of my life with him. I am a strong believer in that there is that one
person everyone is just meant to be with, and I believe, for me, I have found
him. You said that if I loved him I would find ways to make it work.
That is a lot easier said than done. I guess I’m just freaking out b/c I
always thought we would be together forever, and that a tragedy like this would
never happen to us. I still remember that day like it was yesterday.
His mom and dad were married for 24 years and when you look at them you
just know that they were meant to be together forever. My finace has told me
that through all of this I was a strong person. I was only trying to be
strong for him so that he could be strong for his mom and sisters. But I
feel like I’m starting to break down a little bit.

Cop's Wife:

I'm so glad to hear that you love him with all your heart and want to spend the rest of your life with him! If that's the case then I know you can make it work! Love can conquer anything - I believe that with all my heart.

Hearing you say that your finance told you that you were strong and that you don't feel strong makes so much sense to me. People handle grief in different ways. It may be that, even through it was 3 months ago, you have only really been able to start to grieve now. You might have been holding back, trying to be so strong that you didn't let yourself go through the natural process that is needed to grieve. The more I hear from you the more I think you could benefit from counseling. If you go through a traumatic experience, such as this was, insurance usually pays for a certain amount of counseling.

You said: "You said that if I loved him I would find ways to make it work. That is a lot easier said than done."

I remember feeling the same way. It's fear of the unknown. All of those questions: What will it be like, being married to a cop? How much will he be gone? Will I worry myself to death? Will he be hurt or killed? Will he become jaded by his profession?

When it comes right down to it, however, you just do it. There are a lot of things in life that are hard, but that doesn't mean they aren't worthwhile things. Some of the hardest things in life were the best things I have done.

I know me saying this probably won't stop your brain from whirling, whirling with questions, nor will it help you to stop worrying about the future and his safety. All I can say is, I felt the same way, I cried my eyes out for months when my husband decided he wanted to go back to school to be a cop. But eventually, I adjusted.

I really, truly do think it is this easy: do you want to be married to this man? If the answer is yes, and it sounds like it is, you two will figure out the rest.

What do the rest of you think? Do any of you have some advice for Denise?

Since starting this blog, I have been contacted a few times by people that have questions about the law enforcement lifestyle. I've answered several questions like that here at my blog.

I've never solicited these questions, but they have been trickling in on their own. So, I decided it was high time I came up with a "Ask Cop's Wife" policy, if you will.

If you'd like to ask me a question, I will do my best to answer it. Before you contact me, keep these things in mind:

1. I am not an expert. I'm just the wife of a law enforcement officer that happens to blog about that.

2. My answers are my opinions, and nothing but opinions.

3. Life, as I am sure you understand, can get very busy. I will do my best but I cannot promise an immediate answer.

4. In general, I answer questions in the form of a blog post.

Here's a little bit more about #4.

My feeling is that if one person has a question or dilemma, there are others that have the same question or dilemma. Secondly, as I have no delusions that I have all the answers, putting the question and answer on my blog gives you access to the thoughts of those that comment at my blog.

This doesn't mean I won't answer your question unless I post it on my blog. If you aren't comfortable with that, let me know and I will honor your wishes.

If you are OK with it, however, please let me know that up front when you contact me. It saves me the time getting back with you to clear that up.

If you do give me permission to answer your question on my blog, I will do everything I can to protect your privacy. I will NEVER publish your email address, real name or identifying details. The only exception to that would be if you wanted me to.

So, there you go. If you have a question, feel free to contact me if you wish. My email is married2thelaw@gmail.com. Or, you can leave me a comment.

That's a joke but not a joke between hubs and I. It doesn't take much to make me happy. A drive in the country. A meal at a restaurant we haven't tried before. A walk. Visiting a small town. Grocery shopping. Rocks for landscaping.

Hubs had Halloween off this year. Except, veteran wife that I am, I didn't get too excited. I didn't plan anything. In the back of my mind, I figured he'd end up working anyway.

He did. So, instead of passing out candy to trick-or-treaters at home, I rode along with him. I wore some purple and sparklies in my hair, plus my wedding tirara and some over-the-top makeup. We passed out candy to kids and, after dark, even got to eat supper in a quaint little restaurant in a small town. It wasn't what I would have picked, but it was still nice.

One of hubs' co-workers had an interesting encounter with a trick-or-treater. She was on duty and passing out candy in another town. She gave candy to a brother and sister who were with thier mom.

"You guys look cute in your costumes," she said after handing them candy.

The sister was very polite, quickly responding with a thank you. The brother, who was about 5 years old, was not so quick and started to wander off.

"What do you say," the mother asked him.

"You look good in your costume too," he said.